Buddhist in the Bible Belt

July 8, 2008 4:25 PM

As a Buddhist in the South, how do I politely deal with the often-asked question of where I go to church? I want to be truthful yet non-confrontational with my Christian neighbors and co-workers.

Since I'm a newcomer to the upstate area of South Carolina, I get a lot of recommendations and questions about which church to go to. I've tried "playing along" as if I do go to church in an attempt to avoid confrontation, but that only makes things more awkward. When I've tried being honest (I'm a Buddhist and thus don't attend church) it's even worse, and in a couple of cases the person I've been talking with practically just walks away! I want to get along with those who may not share my religious beliefs, but a wall seems to immediately go up when they learn I'm not "one of them". This is especially nerve-wracking with co-workers! Please help me navigate this social situation...

posted by karmagirl to religion & philosophy (22 comments total)

If people wish to dismiss you for your beliefs outright, that's their prerogative (and loss). If they are willing to walk away without showing a hint of interest, then they probably aren't worth getting along with in the first place.

I would continue to tell the truth, but only when asked to do so. Your beliefs are not anything to be ashamed of, but if you want to fit in it's best to avoid the subject where possible.

Longer term, I would suggest finding non-Christians to be friends with, as you will probably all be discriminated against and at least have that in common.
posted by jozzas at 4:42 PM on July 8

As an Agnostic living on the Georgia coast, all I can say is that it's their problem, not yours. Don't be confrontational, be generally nice and over time, you'll find that coworkers will came around and just regard you as "the crazy one who doesn't go to church."

Really, it's not your problem. Let it go, you'll just cause yourself no idea of worry if you dwell on it. Have fascinating conversations about religion when you come across someone who is curious and nonjudgmental and just change the subject in other situations. Arguing with them or attempting to explain or justify yourself to the the ignorant ones is just a waste of breath and time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:42 PM on July 8

Shouldn't it be a Buddhist's first concern to speak truthfully? Especially if the truth is harmless?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:45 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]

Maybe try framing your answer in a "look how alike we are" way.

"Thank you so much! It's so hard to find a faith community when you move somewhere new, and I really appreciate your offer to help. I'm strong in my Buddhist faith, and we don't have churches, so I'm good. I'll make sure to come to you if I have a Christian (Methodist/Baptist/Church of Christ/etc.) friend looking for a community, though!"

And if they rebuff you like they have been? Ick. Mutter "Bless your heart" under your breath and walk away.
posted by Stewriffic at 4:46 PM on July 8 [7 favorites]

From what I understand from talking to a bunch of fundamentalists at work, yet having little personal experience with Christianity myself, it appears to be a part of being a good Christian to attempt to convert other people to Christianity. So, I'm guessing that anywhere that has a large Christian population is likely going to be haven for religion questions.

This isn't exactly surprising to me. I would expect the same from any group of superstitious people. But there's not much you can do about it, either, being a pebble in a river.

I get asked occasionally, and I tell them the truth. It usually never bothers me, because they're surprisingly not persistent about it. I guess there are easier prey out there.
posted by brandnew at 4:55 PM on July 8

Hi, Tennessee atheist here.

How I answer depends on the way I'm asked. I often will gently suggest that I consider my religious views to be personal and don't wish to discuss them. If the questioner seems genuinely interested, I'll answer the question directly. They usually go away for a while, but when they figure out that I don't torture infants for fun, they come back around. If someone asks a question of me and doesn't like the honest answer, it's not my problem - it's theirs.

I also have this sticker on my front door. Can't say they haven't been warned.
posted by workerant at 5:05 PM on July 8

When I lived in Alabama I once went to a dying church mostly attended by the elderly. It was Episcopal IIRC. After that I told people that I went there. Since there are lots of 'Christians' who go to church twice a year, it's not so strange that nobody would see you do that. An equally effective response when I lived in Jackson, MS was that I would "shop around" from time to time. This was true, I would very occasionally go to one to see what it was like.

Also, it's not such a bad idea to go to a church anyway (I ended up at plenty of church events); they are frequently the center of social interaction and communities. It is a learning experience and valid behavior to go and see and eventually come to understand the hearts of your neighbors. Even if you've come from a background familiar with Christianity, it's good to know what is going on right around you. I've been to dozens of churches of a variety of faiths for different periods of time, and I think that they were mostly helpful to me.

It's a real contradiction and unfortunate shame: in more religiously fervent parts of the South the people can be very kind, open, and welcoming right up until they find out that you're not part of their same group.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:05 PM on July 8

Wow - what great answers! Thanks so much for each of your responses - every single one was insightful and very helpful. It's great to know I have some kindred spirits in the South as well! Namaste to you all.
posted by karmagirl at 5:24 PM on July 8

This country is really much less religiously tolerant than it's made out to be. I'm really the more confrontational type, so I'd tend to just answer the question with a simple "I don't go to church." (I'm a cultivational Daoist.) I feel comfortable about it, and I've typically not had people take much issue with it. I guess I'm used to a more liberal population.

I think you have 3 options:
1. confront, as above
2. play along, as you've done
3. avoid and change topics

As option #2 doesn't seem to be working well for you, I'd suggest either #1 or #3. If these people can't accept you for who you are, then I'd suggest finding other people to hang out with. Easier said than done, I know. But me, I see it as the only practical route to go.

Good luck.
posted by ssnickerer at 5:25 PM on July 8

Another Tennessee atheist here and I strongly second stewriffic's advice. I've found that a polite thanks for the concern and an explanation is more than enough for most people. When in a really awkward situation (like being at the Baptist tent at Bonnaroo and getting free coffee and donuts for hours while staying out of the oppressive heat), I just answer, "Thank you so much. I have a church home." It's not a lie, your church is in your home and heart, and it's in terms they are familiar with.

If I get further pressure to look at their church or discuss religious matters, a polite, 'Well, Mama always said not to discuss religion in mixed company.' and a smile tends to end it. They may not like it, but they do hush up with the bothering.

Also understand that for many people, the opportunity to "convert" is also the first opportunity to discuss religion with members of another faith. Some, not many, but some, will approach discussions of your faith with honest interest and an eagerness to understand. There also may be the unfortunate assumption that you will judge them based on their beliefs and react to them in negative ways. Those of us raised in the Bible Belt who are not or decide to not be Christians tend to be a little...agressive and dismissive of the Christian faith. That may be a factor in the walking away. Or they may just be that intolerant. Who knows?

Good luck and enjoy the South. We really are nice folks down here, we've just got our own little tweaks, just like everyone else.
posted by teleri025 at 6:03 PM on July 8

I agree that they're probably of making conversation and an honest "I'm Buddhist, so I meditate" or whatever would be the best response. You'll probably get a lot of people who don't really know how to respond, not because they're judging you, but because most folks around here don't know the first thing about Buddhism. Just don't go into the conversation assuming the other person is a judgemental prick until they have the chance to prove it ;)
posted by shopefowler at 7:08 PM on July 8

This is coming from a Christian living in TN, FWIW...

Just give them a simple, polite answer that lets them know that you are a Buddhist and don't go to church. While Christians do believe that they are commanded to share their faith, there is the right place and the wrong place to do it as well as the right way and the wrong way. If the disassociate themselves with you, you're probably better off without them.

That being said, I couldn't help but laugh at the person above who complained about being hassled in a Baptist tent at Bonnaroo. If you're not brave enough to walk into a place like that and be honest, then maybe you should just stay out...it's like going to a water park and complaining about getting wet.
posted by Autarky at 7:34 PM on July 8

There's a bible verse I really enjoy that relates to your situation:

"Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 Peter 2:12 NIV

Except that instead of pagans you have christians. This can be a great opportunity to be a Buddhist witness (to borrow from the christian vernacular) to your neighbors so I'll also encourage you to be honest with the people you meet and talk to about your faith--or perceived lack of it.
posted by sambosambo at 8:12 PM on July 8

There have been some great answers already, but I just wanted to provide some reassurance. I'm an atheist and I lived in TN for 20 years. My experience is that the intolerant ones make up a loud minority. Most southerners, while strongly religious, will respect you as long as you show respect for them. In a nutshell: be polite but honest and the small number of crazy people will eventually avoid you of their own accord.
posted by systematic at 8:22 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

Arkansas atheist here, and one who works with the public. My chosen expressions are 'I'm not religious.' I find it to be simultaneously polite, open to interpretation and not likely to lead to a lot of follow-up questions.
posted by box at 9:04 PM on July 8

Uh, expression is.
posted by box at 9:05 PM on July 8

Hello, and welcome to the Upstate! (I live in Spartanburg.)

Brandnew is right. One of the key teachings of Christianity is that only those who have "saving faith" in Christ will go to heaven, and everyone else is going to go to hell. Therefore, there's a strong pressure to convert as many people as possible.

I was raised a Christian, and still attend church although I wouldn't call myself religious any more. Honestly, I mainly attend because I don't want my parents to worry about whether or not I'm saved.

You mentioned a wall that seems to go up when you mention your faith. I think it's probably less of a "shun the unbeliever" response and more of "I don't know how to deal with you." Most people around the South have this shared experience of church and (generally) a set of shared values. They likely know much less about Buddhism than you know about Christianity.

Church is also a social thing here as well as a religious thing, as you have no doubt noticed. The church provides a lot of benefits: a social network consisting of people you would never know otherwise, a group of people who will help you if you are injured or become seriously ill, and a sense of "belonging" to a larger family of like-minded people. These folks who are asking you about what church you attend are trying to be friendly and invite you into their social circle.

All of that to say: these people are trying to be friendly. As long as you're being friendly too, I think everything will turn out OK.
posted by JDHarper at 9:16 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

Rural Texas atheist here...

I'm honest when I say I don't go to church, and I'm fine that way. I take pains to look presentable on Sunday AM if I happen to go to the grocery store and I otherwise try not to let my lack-of-faith 'show' on the surface. I might volunteer to drive women past the fundamentalist picket lines at the local planned parenthood so that they can see the urgent-care girly-parts doctor without going to the hospital E.R., but I never rub that in anyone's face or talk about the experience. Why alienate people?

What I've found is quite the opposite, though. People don't invite me to their church here because I fit in so well that they already think I go to one. The one or two coworkers I have who do know are either my age... or one of them did ask because he's a lay minister, and wondered why I seemed to go through girlfriends so fast.

And a quietly mumbled "Bless his/her/your heart." will go a long ways anywhere in the south! It's pretty much a get-out-of-jail-free card to outwardly insult someone, as long as you say that right before or right after!
posted by SpecialK at 9:21 PM on July 8

I hear that in some towns what specific church is attended is a very important factor in social acceptance, to the extent of shunning people who don´t attend one´s own church (or can´t be converted to that church), even if they attend a different Christian church. Fortunately I have never lived in such a place -- but perhaps you do.

I appreciate that you want to get along with those who have other beliefs, but to do that the other person´s beliefs must include getting along with those who have other beliefs. If things are this extreme where you live you might consider going to church a few times a year for social reasons and say that you have a practice of daily prayer.
posted by yohko at 6:20 AM on July 9

Just to clarify, Autarky, I wasn't complaining about being hassled by the Baptists at Bonnaroo. I was merely saying that it was an awkward situation because I was taking advantage of their free services with no intention of hearing their message. I was trying to state in as honest a way as I could that I didn't need preaching to, but I respected their message. "Thank you, I have a church home." was as simple and polite as I could make it.

And honestly, after about the third time my Yankee friend told them she was Lutheran, they just started avoiding us. But still nice folks and good donuts.
posted by teleri025 at 8:19 AM on July 9

It's entirely possible that they ask this not to be judgemental, but because they really haven't considered an alternative.

I used to be agnostic, and when people asked me this question I would say that I didn't attend church and not one person was horrified.

Just tell the truth.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 4:31 AM on July 10

I would suggest finding non-Christians to be friends with, as you will probably all be discriminated against...
Clearly not only Christians are guilty of prejudice and discrimination.


JDHarper has the right idea. You are in a fairly homogeneous environment where people likely aren't quite sure how to respond to something very far outside their expectations and experience. Most awkwardness is probably mostly due to being surprised and not knowing quite what to say.

Many Christians are afraid to discuss religion with non-Christians because they obviously feel it to be an important subject matter, but don't really know how to interact with people that have different beliefs and don't want to upset or offend anyone. The rude, belligerent Christian who quotes scripture to everyone they meet are few and far between and any such generalizations of Christians is very much confirmation bias.

Anyway, I think the best advice is the old Golden Rule - be honest, treat people with respect and expect respect from others. If people do actually shun you or treat you rudely/poorly, then its their loss.
posted by jpdoane at 2:47 PM on August 4